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“For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s.” -Romans 14:8

Today is never a day I look forward to. It has been five years since the death of my grandmother, and this year is a little tougher being on the other side of the world. I look back on that day that still seems to replay in slow motion. While those wounds that cut so deep in the first year after her death have healed, I still find that the anniversary of her death along with birthdays, holidays and big life events open those wounds in a way that make them seem so raw and fresh. Honestly, it still affects me in a way that I never thought it would five years removed from that sad day. While, this day always brings sorrow, it is also a day to celebrate a life that was filled with laughter, love, and joy. Looking back today, I realize that my grandmother’s death taught me many lessons in love, loss, faith, and regret.

Love. I learned a lot about what it truly means to love someone from my grandmother. Fierce. Overwhelming. Unconditional. That’s how she loved. She had these hugs that were so warm and full of love that it filled you to your core, and there was no way you were walking away from them without a smile on your face. She taught me that love is best shown in the way you treat others. Everyone has their own way of showing their affection; hers was cooking. We have a running joke in our family that she had this sixth sense for telling when someone was getting sick. Her remedy: chicken bog. It never failed. She would show up at the door unannounced holding a Tupperware container, and if you weren’t already sick then there was a good chance you were going to be in a few days. Pinwheels, Watergate salad, “flat bacon”. She made everything well. I could list all her best dishes, but that would take all day. She put so much time and effort into cooking, because for her love was when everyone sat around the dinner table and left with a full heart and stomach. Her love through service has always inspired me. For her it was the little things you did for others that showed them how much they meant to you.

While there are many memories of happiness, there were times our relationship was far from perfect. Like every family there were moments when we felt like doing anything but loving each other. We did and said hurtful things; relationships became broken. But the beautiful thing about family is it is the closest love we will ever find that resembles the unconditional love of God. It really is a beautiful kind of love. A love that looks at the other person’s faults, mistakes and imperfections and says, “I love you anyway. All the time. No matter what”. No matter how bad things got that love in our family (even if strained) still remained. She gave love unconditionally, because that’s how we are all called by God to love one another. I want to give love like she gave love.

Loss. Up until the death of my grandmother, I had never dealt with the loss of anyone close to me. At 19, I thought that experiencing that first loss was still a long way off.  She would see me graduate college, get married, and maybe even become a great-grandmother. Losing the ones you love is hard. It is even harder when you watch them die right before your very eyes. It’s difficult to describe the grief and helplessness you feel when you can see the life leaving their body, knowing there is no bargain you can make with God to stop it. A little piece of your soul goes with them, and in its place a hole is left that never truly seems to heal. I learned a lot about loss in those first few months after her death.

She died while I was home on spring break. At the end of the week I had to go back to school, when all I really wanted was to be surrounded by the family that knew and loved her most. That semester was hard. There were times when I felt utterly and completely empty and alone. But what her death taught me was that as time goes on, those wounds do heal. I have found that while those moments of immense sorrow that surround her death still exist, there are so many more moments of incredible joy that surround her life. I look back now on those memories that once caused me pain to think about, and they now bring a smile to my face. While losing someone cuts you in a way that never truly heals, it does get easier with time, and I am so grateful for the blessing she was to my life. Loss is a part of life; no one escapes it. But there is also something strangely beautiful about death. It signals the end of our time here on earth, but it is the beginning of something so much better: an eternity spent looking at the very face of God.

Faith. At the time of her death, I had been struggling with some serious questions about God and who He was for almost two years. I questioned if He was really there at all, if He had a plan for me and if He truly cared about me? I kept my doubts and fears to myself, afraid to tell anyone around me what I was struggling with because I felt guilty and ashamed for having these doubts. I tried to push these questions out of my mind, afraid to answer them because I knew the implications if the answer was no. So instead, I spent the next few years running from them. I pretended like everything was ok, while inside I felt hopeless and afraid. Her death, however, changed all of this.

While those first few months back at school were some of the hardest of my life. My relationship with God slowly began to change. I was angry with Him at first, how could He take her so suddenly and deny me the right to say goodbye? I cried out to Him in those moments of anger and desperation begging Him to help me feel whole again. Eventually, those moments of loneliness and anger faded as I prayed for God to get me through the days when I didn’t feel like getting out of bed or the classes where I felt like bursting into tears. I leaned on God because in those moments He was all I had. In reality, He was all I truly needed. As the weeks went by, my life began to slowly feel somewhat normal again. The thought of my grandmother some days made me smile, instead of cry. My faith and relationship with God also became stronger in those months. At first I began to spend time with God each day because it was what I needed to fill the void in my heart that seemed so big. But as the weeks went by, I began to look forward to the time I set aside for Him each day. I no longer doubted if He was there or if He really cared for me. I knew He did, because He gave me the strength to get through my pain and grief. I found in those months, that if we truly put our faith in Him and trust that nothing happens outside of His perfect will, then nothing, not even death, can separate us from Him.

Regret.  When someone dies, regret is usually not far behind. We always wish we had told our loved ones we loved them more. My grandmother called me on my birthday, just days before her death. I meant to call her back, but was busy and kept pushing it off. She died before I could thank her and tell her I loved her. I still keep that voicemail on my phone (although even after five years I still can’t bring myself to listen to it). It serves as a reminder that our time with the ones we love is fleeting. The Lord could call us home at any moment. Therefore, we should never hold in how much we love someone. Although, words could never describe how much I loved that woman, there were so many things I wished she knew as I stood there in the hospital that day. I would have given anything in that moment just to be able to tell her everything that was on my heart.  I know she knew that I loved her, but something about not saying those words out loud seemed inadequate in that moment.

There are some days when I still feel incredibly guilty for not taking just a few moments to call and talk to her. It would have cost me nothing at the time, instead it cost me so much more. I was selfish and shortsighted; I took her life for granted in those moments, thinking she would always be around. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We should always tell the ones we love what they mean to us, not putting it off; because neither one of us may very well be here tomorrow.

I look back today on my grandmother’s life and all the memories and joy she gave me through those 19 wonderful years. I think about Christmas Eve’s at her house where I sat with my face pressed against the window waiting for my uncle to arrive so we could open presents. Or weekend long sleepovers that were never complete without a two hour-long bath in her giant tub. There was water EVERYWHERE…and she never said a word. I remember how she always gave me things with ladybugs on them, because according to her they were “lucky”. Ladybugs still find their way to me on the toughest days reminding me everything is going to be alright. Then there was the time she tried to ask a dummy in a cop car for directions. It took her 15 minutes to realize he wasn’t real. Her response “I don’t know who the dummy was…him or me!” All of these memories, and so many more warm my heart and remind me that while there is sorrow in death; there is so much more joy in life. Today she wouldn’t want me to be sad, instead she would want me to spend the day in laughter, loving the ones close to me like she did…and that is exactly what I am going to do! Miss you always! Love you forever!

 

 

 

I have been here a little over two weeks now, and I’m falling in love with something new every day. I know the time will come when being away from home and the work I do will all begin to wear on me, but for now I am just taking everything in and enjoying being in the place I dreamed of coming to for so long.

I am constantly encouraged when I think about our office staff, who courageously fight every day to bring justice to our clients and their dependents. And also by our clients who bravely stand up to their perpetrators and say enough is enough, I will no longer be a victim. There is risk in what we do, and they fearlessly and boldly charge forward, no matter the danger, because they feel God has called them for this specific purpose. They don’t fear failure because they know if God will’s it, then no man or woman can stop it. And if they do happen to fail, then at least they failed trying something epic. They don’t pretend to be perfect. They freely communicate their mistakes, because they know humility makes them stronger. There is much to learn here, and I know now more than ever this is right where I am supposed to be.

All the fear and doubt I felt before leaving seems so small and insignificant now. I look back on the person I was before college, and even when I graduated PC almost 2 years ago, and it’s hard to take in how much I have grown mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am not the same person I was, and I must admit there is a little bit of self-pride when I think of how far I have come. I truly believe the mountains I have grown are all because of God.

Those of you who know me, know that I am a bit of a perfectionist (and for those of you who know me well, you know that this is actually an extreme understatement). It took me years to realize the hold I let perfectionism take on my self-worth and value. My biggest fear was never being enough and it weighed on me almost every day. I ran myself into the ground for so long, and have only come to realize in the last few years that the search for perfection outside of God is futile. We are all broken, and apart from Him will never be perfect. However, I have come to realize there is so much beauty and comfort in this truth. God is perfect, so I don’t have to be. And despite all of the imperfections I’ve so desperately tried to shed over the years, He loves me anyway. I now find peace in knowing that if I place my full trust in Him, I find the perfection I seek in His will. The last two years of my life have been a firm affirmation of this sweet truth. From God bringing me home after graduation, as hard as that year was, to me sitting here in Uganda today, nothing occurred outside of His will. And since I have been here, I have seen His will carried out, even when all signs pointed to the answer being no. In the office, in the field, it’s everywhere, and so rooted in what we do. And all of those events so perfectly feed into one another there’s no way it could be anything but God.

In my story, it was coming home to Rock Hill, instead of getting a job in DC like I wanted. That led to the youth convincing me to work with them. Even though at the time I felt so unworthy, because I knew I should have a stronger relationship with God than I did. This then led to a mentorship with our youth director; who constantly called me out on my fear and need to be comfortable. He himself ended up packing his family up and moving them to Uganda for a year (you can find their blog here). Which was the final push I needed to apply for the position I have now. From there the events continued to work out in perfect succession. They all fit together like puzzle pieces to form the picture of my journey here. They continue to fit so perfectly together as the days and weeks of my time here go by; already creating a beautiful picture that I will carry with me long after I leave this place. I have no doubt in my mind that God sent me here for a reason.

In the last year, I have found so much relief in the fullness following His perfect will brings. More relief than I ever found trying twist myself into perfection. It has taken me a long time to put my doubt and fear aside, and truly trust in His goodness. I still have a long way to go though. I feel like I am only beginning to taste the true joy and sweetness that comes with laying down everything to follow Him. Every now and then, that old demon still wells up inside me saying, “you will never be enough.” Now, I just tell myself: “You may be right! But because of who God is, I don’t have to be enough”. And little by little, I’m learning to be ok with this.

For many years I listened to the world. It told me to put myself over others. That my value came from those who loved me, how much money I had, or what I did for a living. For years, I thought if I had a high GPA, lots of friends, and was involved in clubs and other activities that this would all some how fill me. And it did…for a while. My senior year of college I put a lot of hope in graduating with a high GPA, being the president of multiple clubs, and having a large friend group. I placed value in perfection, and was always trying to achieve it, though that was impossible. When I graduated, I thought I would have this great job, maybe get a PhD, and all of this would eventually lead to an incredible and successful career. But after graduation, I found my friends moving far away, my diploma was just a piece of paper, and that great career I was supposed to be starting looked more like my childhood bedroom. As the things I used to fill me for so long faded away, I couldn’t understand why I had so much in my life to be proud of, but felt so incredibly empty.

This past year has been one of the hardest in my walk with God. There have been many tears, nights of my heart longing for something more, and moments of restlessness and anger. When I graduated I could not understand why God brought me back home. I was angry and a little jealous of others who seemed to have all their dreams come true. While it felt like every choice I tried to make, God seemed say “not right now.” I began to grow restless and anxious, afraid His answer for my dreams would always be no.

The decision to apply for this internship was a great leap of faith for me. It was something I really wanted, but was afraid of what it would mean if I actually got it, or worse didn’t get it. Traveling to Africa was something I longed to do for years. I felt called to serve others, and after praying I thought maybe this was where God was leading me for the year. I was reluctant throughout the whole interview process. I was afraid to get my hopes up. This was something I wanted to be apart of so desperately, but what if the answer was no again. As more and more pieces seemed to fall into place, I grew anxious waiting. I fretted for months. When I finally got the news that I was chosen to be an intern, I didn’t think it was real. Besides telling my parents, I waited a few days to tell others just to make sure they hadn’t made a mistake. But the answer wasn’t the no I had feared, it was a yes; finally a yes!

This year has come with many hard, but necessary, lessons about God and who He is. God needed to bring me home and wreck all of my post-graduation plans. He had to take away all of the things I was putting before Him, because there was no other way I would listen. I wasn’t ready for Him to send me where He wanted me to go. In order for Him to do that, He first had to break me and show me that I needed Him more than anything else this world had to offer. All those long nights of tears begging for God to give me something more were well worth it. I began to quit looking for fullness in achievements, friends, and other worldly things. I slowly began to understand that I will never be perfect, and that’s ok. This year I have been forced to come face to face with my own brokenness and realize that ultimately I’m not the one in control. This has been a hard lesson for someone who likes to always have a plan. But ultimately, I have come to realize that His plans will always be better than anything I could ever dream up. And, following His plans comes with an unexplainable peace and fullness that I will never find anywhere else. Had I followed my chosen path, I probably would not be going to Africa to help fight for the rights of women and show them God’s love. Which is something at one time I could have only dreamed about.

I love the song “Broken Things” by Matthew West. I think it describes a beautiful picture of our relationship with God. It’s true: I’m broken, you’re broken, we’re all broken. And the funny thing is, we have nothing to really offer the God of the universe that He doesn’t already have. No talent He hasn’t already breathed into us. Nothing! But the beauty of it is…He doesn’t care. He chooses to use us for His glory in all of our imperfection and brokenness. All we have to say is “I’m yours!” And the moment we do, we are filled with His light from within. The road this year has been incredibly long and hard at times, but I can’t even begin to explain to you the excitement I hold for this journey I’m about to start. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I do know what ever it is: I’m His!