I have been here a little over two weeks now, and I’m falling in love with something new every day. I know the time will come when being away from home and the work I do will all begin to wear on me, but for now I am just taking everything in and enjoying being in the place I dreamed of coming to for so long.
I am constantly encouraged when I think about our office staff, who courageously fight every day to bring justice to our clients and their dependents. And also by our clients who bravely stand up to their perpetrators and say enough is enough, I will no longer be a victim. There is risk in what we do, and they fearlessly and boldly charge forward, no matter the danger, because they feel God has called them for this specific purpose. They don’t fear failure because they know if God will’s it, then no man or woman can stop it. And if they do happen to fail, then at least they failed trying something epic. They don’t pretend to be perfect. They freely communicate their mistakes, because they know humility makes them stronger. There is much to learn here, and I know now more than ever this is right where I am supposed to be.
All the fear and doubt I felt before leaving seems so small and insignificant now. I look back on the person I was before college, and even when I graduated PC almost 2 years ago, and it’s hard to take in how much I have grown mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am not the same person I was, and I must admit there is a little bit of self-pride when I think of how far I have come. I truly believe the mountains I have grown are all because of God.
Those of you who know me, know that I am a bit of a perfectionist (and for those of you who know me well, you know that this is actually an extreme understatement). It took me years to realize the hold I let perfectionism take on my self-worth and value. My biggest fear was never being enough and it weighed on me almost every day. I ran myself into the ground for so long, and have only come to realize in the last few years that the search for perfection outside of God is futile. We are all broken, and apart from Him will never be perfect. However, I have come to realize there is so much beauty and comfort in this truth. God is perfect, so I don’t have to be. And despite all of the imperfections I’ve so desperately tried to shed over the years, He loves me anyway. I now find peace in knowing that if I place my full trust in Him, I find the perfection I seek in His will. The last two years of my life have been a firm affirmation of this sweet truth. From God bringing me home after graduation, as hard as that year was, to me sitting here in Uganda today, nothing occurred outside of His will. And since I have been here, I have seen His will carried out, even when all signs pointed to the answer being no. In the office, in the field, it’s everywhere, and so rooted in what we do. And all of those events so perfectly feed into one another there’s no way it could be anything but God.
In my story, it was coming home to Rock Hill, instead of getting a job in DC like I wanted. That led to the youth convincing me to work with them. Even though at the time I felt so unworthy, because I knew I should have a stronger relationship with God than I did. This then led to a mentorship with our youth director; who constantly called me out on my fear and need to be comfortable. He himself ended up packing his family up and moving them to Uganda for a year (you can find their blog here). Which was the final push I needed to apply for the position I have now. From there the events continued to work out in perfect succession. They all fit together like puzzle pieces to form the picture of my journey here. They continue to fit so perfectly together as the days and weeks of my time here go by; already creating a beautiful picture that I will carry with me long after I leave this place. I have no doubt in my mind that God sent me here for a reason.
In the last year, I have found so much relief in the fullness following His perfect will brings. More relief than I ever found trying twist myself into perfection. It has taken me a long time to put my doubt and fear aside, and truly trust in His goodness. I still have a long way to go though. I feel like I am only beginning to taste the true joy and sweetness that comes with laying down everything to follow Him. Every now and then, that old demon still wells up inside me saying, “you will never be enough.” Now, I just tell myself: “You may be right! But because of who God is, I don’t have to be enough”. And little by little, I’m learning to be ok with this.
One thought on “The Perfection of His Plan”
So proud of you. God Bless!!